A Modest Proposal: No Confidence

The subject of politics can be quite a touchy one if one makes the mistake of bringing it up for discussion at an inopportune time, at an inopportune location, or with a person whom has the (quite healthy) belief that such matters should be reserved for personal reflection or, at most, discussion amongst one's closest acquaintances. However, to the world's chagrin and possible disgust, there exists a certain number of nosey individuals, such as myself, that share the fetish of enjoying open and public discussion of political thought and belief. So, by indulging this fetish, I've managed to survey enough people to competently make the assertion that most if not ALL of those who intend to vote in the coming election are facing a very real dilemma- there simply isn't a single candidate left standing (and damn few otherwise) that anyone, at least in my experience, feels is worth voting for.

As was so well displayed by the kings of American satire and commentary, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, it is all but a forgone conclusion that nearly any election can be said to be a choice between a douche bag and a turd sandwich-- the lesser of two evils conundrum. This year, however, appears to be different, in that we seem to be faced with a choice between three, soon to be two, equally rancid, stinky, disease infested piles of scatological sampling. I've yet to meet a single individual-- be they so far left that they shat out rubles, so far right that they sleep on a mattress stuffed with gold bullion and torn pages from the book of Revelation, so moderate that they have a pro-choice sticker plastered on the outside of their H2 Hummer, or so apathetic that they've applied for Canadian citizenship-- that can point to either The Great Black Hope, Mrs. Duck and Cover, or G.I. John and say, “THAT is my candidate.”

To that end, I submit to you one of many modest proposals I have in mind in order to rectify some of our problems: In every booth, on every touchscreen, and on every paper ballot used in the coming election, include an option labeled “No Confidence.”

The outline of my proposition is quite simple; should we, as Americans, be faced with a situation where there isn't a single candidate available that we believe would act in the best interest of our country to the extent that we could vote for them without ethical qualm, we simply vote No Confidence. If, for any reason, more than one third of the total votes tallied nationwide is a No Confidence vote, the election is rendered null and void. The candidates who ran and received the vote of No Confidence are forever barred from holding any public office in any capacity. The incumbent president, if he or she was one of the candidates, remains in office until the end of their term and is THEN barred from holding any future public office, or if the incumbent president was not up for re-election, they step down at the time when the new president would have been sworn in, relinquishing temporary veto-power (but no other presidential powers) to the next highest non-candidate in the presidential succession while simultaneously placing temporarily upon the Secretary of Defense the title and responsibility of Commander and Chief of the armed forces. In the mean time, a repeat of the primary vote is to take place, allowing the American people to select a more worthy group of candidates that will then be up for election.

Obviously, there would need to be more stipulations for my proposal to be fully fleshed out, many of which I already have in mind, but I don't wish to bore you with outlining a plan of action that, despite its wisdom, is likely to never receive any consideration. In my mind, there are very few negatives to implementing this policy while the positives are innumerable. The ability to enact and conduct warfare will not have been interrupted, nor will the power structure of our three branches have been noticeably disrupted as the checks and balances of our government remain fully in effect. Yet we, as the American people, will finally have been given the option to completely buck the system, throw up our hands and say, “Enough is enough,” and turn the repetitive political trash and nonsense out from public office for good. We, as the people around whom the constitution and Bill of Rights were designed to empower, will finally have the ability to enforce our mandates and our trust, and to peaceably exert our power and our will when our government has gotten out control.

Hell, why stop with just the Presidential election? Let this policy apply to EVERY election in every corner of our land, from City Dog Catcher to State Legislature, from Sheriff to the election of our voices in congress. And why allow this policy to only be enacted during elections? Why not allow, at any time and for any reason, the constituency which any public political figure represents to file a petition, requiring “X” amounts of votes to enact a vote of no confidence, and if more than half (even if by just one vote) of a given politician's represented populace show that they have lost faith in whom they elected, that person is removed from office and may never again hold any position whatsoever? To adopt this system would guarantee something, to my knowledge, not only the American people but all the civilized peoples in all of history have never had-- the ability to question, scrutinize, and eventually punish or reward any decision made be their representatives at any given moment without the use of violence, and with a government and national mandate. In all cases, the same basic principle applies-- a vote of no confidence guarantees that whomever is turned out of office will never be afforded the opportunity to abuse the trust of the people. This will begin the process of weeding the trash, and, one can only hope, eventually lead to representatives that truly reflect the people that elect them.

Perhaps this isn't such a modest proposal... in fact, I all but shouted it down into writing. This is an immodest proposal, a proposal that I yell proudly, and can only hope is heard. These words will never be heeded, however, as the lead to the end that politicians fear the most-- it slips the noose from the neck of the voters and onto the neck of the elected, allowing us to keep them upright with a simple tug from the gallows.

Realistic? Perhaps not... but something has to be done. How can one reach any other conclusion when we can say that electing our officials is tantamount to choosing between a douche bag and a turd sandwich, and it's considered a joke and not a travesty?

EDIT - April 7th 2008: I recently ran across what appears to be a completely kosher online database of every South Park episode. Sweet, huh? At any rate, given that I cited an episode of South Park in this article, I can't see why linking to it wouldn't be appropriate.

http://www.southparkzone.com/episodes/808/Douche-and-Turd.html